And then a hero comes along…

8th August 2021

Have you ever seen the film The Holiday? The Christmas feel good with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law and Jack Black…

There is a brilliant scene where Arthur, the ageing Hollywood screen writer is out for dinner with Iris. She tells him how she has decamped to L.A feeling heartbroken and wanting to get away from an ex boyfriend. Arthur tells her how, in the movies, you have the leading lady and best friend and how it seems that Iris is acting like the best friend. Essentially she is playing the role of the supporting actress and not the lead.

I love it! It is such a good reminder for when we are caught up in the stories in our heads, giving away our energy to situations and people and ultimately detracting from our own power. 

I was reminded of all of this recently whilst taking part in a weekend coaching mastermind in London. The theme for the weekend was around story telling and how we view our lives and what gets to change. We were asked the powerful and poignant question – are you being the hero of your own story?

Such a thought provoking question that I spent the whole weekend exploring and here are my pearls of wisdom that I wanted to share with you. 

How often are you connecting with the narrative in your mind? In truth, we don’t do this a lot, because, the subconscious (or even unconscious) parts of our brains are running the show for about 95% of the day. It is hard to keep a track of 6000 or so thoughts that we have in a 24 hour period. We start with a thought about something and before we know we it, we end up creating a whole narrative about what is going on and how we feel about it, we can end up down a rabbit hole and lost in our own heads, often with a distorted version of what is actually going on. We don’t even realise that we are doing it. 

So what I love about this approach that I am going to share is that it has nothing to do with changing our thoughts, because to be honest, I think that is a tall order and too exhausting. So much of what goes on in our lives is beyond our control so it becomes too much to try and change things at that level. Also, if we approach how we think and feel with a sense of wrongness and that it needs to change, that can actually compound the negative feelings we already have. Essentially it’s just not helpful. But, what we can do it tune in to the narrative that we have playing and start to create some choices about the way we are viewing life. 

So let me ask you the same question I was posed – if your story were to end right now, would everyone know that you were the hero? 

It’s a big question and the answer may not be what you want but let me show you a way to switch the narrative or dial up your hero factor a notch or two…

Who is telling your story? There is an easy way to figure this out – when you tell someone about an event that has happened, do you find yourself telling it from the first person perspective – this is what happened to ME, they said this to ME, then they did that to ME, I can’t believe this happened to ME…

Does that sound like you? Or how about the omniscient narrator – I know exactly what THEY are thinking, I know what is going to happen, I JUST KNOW…

We all do this from time to time but it’s unconscious. So now its time to bring it into the light!

I want to introduce you to a new narrator. A narrator that is able to look at a situation from a factual perspective, the narrator who recognises that there are choices about how to interpret people’s actions and what meaning they make of it all.

Introducing…the observant narrator. The observant narrator is able to choose a perspective that creates empowerment. It is a mindful perspective where there is space between what happens and the meaning that is made of it. 

So how do we employ our observer narrator. We start by noticing, paying attention to how we are telling our stories, how we are creating the stories in our heads and step back. When you realise you are caught up in the all knowing omniscient or the victimhood of the first person, stop, breathe and reframe and make a choice. Decide that it gets to be different, decide that you can view things from an objective viewpoint. 

What are the benefits of looking at life this way? Firstly, you reduce your emotional reactions because you look at the facts rather than getting caught up in feelings both old and new and also it gives you the chance to create some headspace, you get to choose how you view a situation. 

The biggest benefit in my opinion is that is can reduce judgment. Judgment is everywhere, we judge others, we judge ourselves and it can be so detrimental. When we feel wronged by someone we begin to create a whole story in our heads about how we are a victim and they are to blame and that things just should not be that way. We get stuck in this mode all the time and we don’t move through it because the other person will always be the wrongdoer and you will always be the hurt party. So how about this radical approach, when someone behaves in a way that might seem selfish or triggers something in you that feels uncomfortable, stop and take a step back and ask yourself – what if they are just being the hero of their own story? 

This does not mean that you are condoning their behaviour or believing that they are right or allowed to behave in that way or treat you badly. Far from it, the idea is that you stop giving your energy away in trying to figure out what someone else is doing and why they are behaving in a certain way and you bring the focus back to you, what you need and what will serve you in the long run. Ultimately the quicker you are able to restore your energy back to your needs, the better you will feel. 

You always have a choice. What get’s to change now is that you see the choices you have and you can pick one. Decide that there are a number of different ways that you could view a situation and decide which one will serve you best. 

The term hero will possibly conjure up images of some kind of superhero, maybe wearing a cape, probably standing with their hands on their hips, looking strong in the face of whatever is coming at them. In no way am I suggesting that whatever is going in your life that you MUST power through. In fact quite the opposite. The hero is often seen as everyone’s saviour and the fixer of all problems. This is not the role to take on either. Being the rescuer will have the opposite effect. Being the saviour is exhausting and draining and will not help you. So the invitation is to think about what the hero of YOUR own story would do? Maybe that is speaking up and out about something you feel strongly about? Maybe it is getting through some annoying and niggling jobs that you have been putting off? Maybe it is doing nothing and honouring your need to rest?

The beauty is, you get to choose. You are the hero of your own story and it is down to you to decide what is best. 

This is not about being perfect or getting things right, it is not about getting over anything or letting go. This approach allows you to reflect, recognise, release and recalibrate and what ever you choose to do, you get to own it. It’s your story, not anyone else’s. 

So, all that is left for me to ask is, what is that you really want? What chapter do you want to write for this part of of your story? 

If you would like help with reframing some of your previous chapters and planning your next ones, I can help you. Contact me on hey@sarahdodsley.com for a free conversation about working with me.